Years ago I watched a video series called Guardrails by renown pastor and author, Andy Stanley. The idea was simple: set up guardrails, or boundaries, for your relationship so that you’re not ever even close to the edge of being unfaithful to your partner. The execution, however, is not so simple. My primary specialization is infidelity, so you can imagine how many individuals and couples step foot in my office with poor guardrails or ones that are demolished to the point they’re unrecognizable.
I think most people would agree that you need some healthy boundaries between yourself and members of the opposite sex once you’re in a committed, exclusive relationship. The problem is, many tend to see just how close to the cliff they can get before hitting a guardrail. I always use the guardrails on the roads for comparison. If you had a road near a steep cliff, do you want the guardrails as close to the cliff as possible, or set back a ways to where you could hit the guardrails without being in any danger of going over? Vice President Mike Pence seems to be the poster child for guardrails these days, good and bad. Many see his boundaries as too rigid and ridiculous, such as not ever dining alone with a woman who isn’t his wife. Although I don’t personally ascribe to the same set of guardrails, I do applaud him for putting his marriage before professional and social obligations. I’ll tell you this much: I bet his wife doesn’t question his dedication to her and their marriage.
Do I think everyone reading this blog needs to commit to never dining with a person of the opposite sex? No, certainly not. Do I think most of us could do a better job of agreeing on an explicit set of guardrails with our spouse and holding ourselves accountable? The infidelity numbers in this country and in my office say “absolutely.” I’m certainly not going to tell anyone what their specific boundaries should be, but I will always advise that you and your partner agree to your boundaries so that everything is easily interpreted and applied by both parties. This is especially important if either of you have experienced a breach of trust in your past. Here are some potential guardrails for you to discuss with your partner:
- Is it okay to be linked on social media to our exes?
- Is it okay to talk/text/message an ex or any member of the opposite sex?
- How little and how much are we expected to share with our partner when we do interact with the opposite sex?
- Are we comfortable dining alone with members of the opposite sex? For work? Personally? What’s the protocol?
- Is it okay to flirt with others? How do you define flirt? How far is too far?
- Are we willing to communicate with each other if either of us feels a legitimate romantic interest in someone else is starting to form?
I know that last one seems like a trap, and I can’t promise you it’s going to go well if you tell your partner you’re starting to develop even the slightest inkling of feelings for someone else. But I challenge you to find a way you can have an affair if you and your partner are sharing that level of detail with each other when an interest starts to develop. Although much of my work is in helping people recover from affairs, I also spend a lot of time helping people “affair-proof” their relationship. I can’t tell you where your line should be, but the firmer and further back those guardrails, the less likely you are to fall over the edge.